Two Words for Jimmy Olsen: "DON'T TOUCH!"

It's time again for more adventure with that loveable doofus, Jimmy Olsen!


Only Jimmy could #@$% up a free vacation! Once Jimmy gets bored watching the crane load all that fascinating scrap iron into the ship (Is the Daily Planet so cheap it sent these guys on a cruise on a cargo ship?) he goes for a stroll along the beach. Which is something else only Jimmy could screw up-

Jimmy finds a mysterious ray gun inside which, of course, he needs to start shooting at living things:


Not satisfied with the ecological chaos sure to be caused by an enormous pseudopod, Jimmy experiments further-



Well, Jimmy, if it's so @#$%-ing obvious, why did you need to try it again?

Jimmy heads back to the ship, where he learns Clark has missed the boat (he was needed in space as Superman). Lois shows Jimmy the souvenirs she purchased, including a small turtle. Clearly, Lois plans to unleash some ecological havoc of her own, introducing alien species to Metropolis' fragile ecosystem. You know she's just going to flush that little turtle like 2 weeks after she gets back.

Anyway, Jimmy drops the raygun and it irradiates him and the turtle, with unlikely consequences. Jimmy is turned into a giant turtle man. Which apparently means you become covered with green, hexagonal scales (but no shell) your eyes look like they're made from ping-pong ball halves, you sprout pointy ears (even though turtles have no external ears.) and you also manifest a snazzy pair of large, black breifs.

Oh! and you go on a mindlessly destructive rampage.



Superman returns from space just in time to intervene and learns more about this mysterious growth ray from an old girlfriend:


Superman then uses his own mad science to fix the problem:

Wouldn't shrinking a giant turtle man just get you a smaller turtle man? I'm so confused.

If It Sells, Keep Sellin' It!

To say that Batman and Robin were a huge commercial success would be a vast understatement. True, Batman sold well for the eleven months he existed prior to adding his now-famous sidekick, but nothing like the household name he would become simply by adding a spunky kid to the team.

The combo was so successful, that every comics company rushed to imitate it, adding junior partners to their established heroes (often just a miniature version of the adult hero, such as the Human Torch's buddy, Toro) even DC itself. Few of these duos were very dynamic. Still, it had worked once, it would work again.

Not only did DC slap sidekicks on many of their existing heroes ( and by the Silver Age there were enough of these scamps to form their own team-the Teen Titans) and create heroic duos from whole cloth (Green Arrow and Speedy, for example) they also gave us an endless string of Batman and Robin wanna-be's.

Let me elaborate on that. I don't mean just pale imitations of Batman and Robin, I mean that, within the context of the Batman and Robin comics, the Dynamic duo encounter myriad crime-fighters who have based their careers on those of Batman and Robin. The Knight and Squire may be the most famous.


My personal favorite are B&R's Native American counterparts from the Southwest- Chief Man-of the Bats and Little Raven!



But, as mentioned, this formula for success was not limited to the pages of Batman. DC felt that what was good for the goose was good for the gander. Therefore, what had been good for Batman would have to be super for Superman. Enter Nightwing and Flamebird:



Not content to simply go around fixing all of Earth's problems, Superman decides he needs to also fight crime in the bottled city of Kandor.

For those who don't know, Kandor is a city that was shrunken, placed in a bottle and stolen by Brainiac all before Krypton exploded. Kandor currently resides on a table in Superman's Fortress of Solitude, where it sits under a red sun lamp (can't have a whole city of Supermen running around, can we?). Whenever Superman uses his shrink ray and stops by for a visit, he has no superpowers.

So, how will Superman fight crime in Kandor if he's not... super? He'll do it Batman-style. And he takes that lovable doofus, Jimmy Olsen along with him to play Robin.

Superman names himself Nightwing and Jimmy Flamebird, after two Kryptonian birds. He fashions costumes based vaguely on the birds' plumage. Pretty soon, they have a Nightcave, Nightmobile and even a Nighthound. Of course, Nightwing and Flamebird are a little spoiled by being Superman and Superman's Pal, so they wear jetbelts that allow them to fly.


"Er- ahem, that's NightWING, Jimmy!"



What's really remarkable, is that this concept didn't just yield a couple of memorable stories and vanish. In fact, Nightwing and Flamebird were one of the back-up features in Superman Family well into the 1970's- although at that point, Nightwing was Superman's cousin Van-Zee and Flamebird was Van-Zee's lab assistant, Ak-Var. (if you'd like to read one of those nifty stories, check out Diversions of the Groovy Kind)

Nowadays, if you mention Nightwing, people think of Dick Grayson after he quit being Robin. And Flamebird was also used again in Teen Titans, this time as a new name for the original Batgirl, Bette Kane.

The names have since been recycled several times.

Still, even though it was a throw-away idea that really broke no new ground, Nightwing and Flamebird's adventures were tremendously fun.

How'd He Tie That Bowtie Without Opposable Thumbs? Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #24

You didn't need to offer me free ice cream, you had me at gorilla!

This time, it wasn't really Jimmy's fault. Usually Jimmy Olsen is transformed into something else due to sheer stupidity or negligence, but this time, it was a fluke.

While helping Professor Thorne with an experimental "telepathy helmet" (to read the minds of animals- like THEY have anything to say!) Jimmy Olsen has an accident. After numerous failed attempts to read the minds of giraffes, rhinos and finally a gorilla, the professor is ready to give up. But Jimmy supposes that Superman, with his superior mind, may be able to make the machine work. Jimmy turns on his signal watch just as the gorilla reaches through the bars of it's cage and punches a few random buttons on the device. Blammo! Jimmy and the gorilla switch bodies a'la Freaky Friday.

Prof. Thorne lets Gorilla Jimmy out of the cage, but Jimmy's real body is running amok, swinging from trees and such. Gorilla Jimmy attempts to apprehend his wayward, gorilla- controlled body, just as Superman shows up. Thinking his pal is being attacked by a gorilla, Supes takes a swing at Jimmy.

After explaining the situation to Superman, Professor Thorne explains that it would take 100 years to try all 56,786,934 different button combinations. Superman runs through them all in no time, but Jimmy doesn't change back.

Prof. Thorne heads back to the lab to work on the problem. Superman takes custody of the gorilla in Jimmy's body and Jimmy goes home to put on some clothes.

Jimmy heads to the office, where he scares the Hell out of Lois Lane and Perry White. I don't know about you, but if I were turned into a gorilla, I'd call in sick. Normally, when this stuff happens, Jimmy runs off and joins a freak show. To prevent further incidents of gorilla-induced terror, Perry hangs a sign around Jimmy's neck that reads" 'Bonzo' Intelligent Gorilla! Tame! No Danger!". Personally I don't see why it couldn't have read " 'Jimmy' Intelligent Gorilla! Tame! No Danger!". Also, the word tame isn't very reassuring when followed by an exclamation point.

"Bonzo" decides to go out on the town, having a lunch of bananas at a fancy restaurant and taking in a wrestling match featuring wrestler known as "The Gorilla". The next evening he goes to the movies to see "Patrolman Gorilla" a movie about a gorilla who becomes a cop. Maybe this like how when some folks come out about being gay, all they talk about for a while is gay stuff. Like George Takei or Ellen DeGeneres. It took Ellen a while to get back to just being funny. Once the novelty wears off, I'm sure Jimmy will go back to finding non-gorilla -themed entertainment.

In no time, Jimmy is depressed about his new body. Superman tries to cheer him up by taking him on patrol. Jimmy's new abilities prove useful and he stops a crime and saves some kids from a fire. He even saves Clark Kent from suffocating in a time-lock vault at the bank (of course, Superman was perfectly safe, but his all-important secret identity was in danger!).

Checking on Professor Thorne's progress, Superman finally figures out that the missing element is Jimmy's ultrasonic signal watch. Activating the watch, Superman restores Jimmy to his own body- unbeknownst to Perry White who is suddenly attacked by the typing gorilla who was, seconds ago, Jimmy.

Of course, Superman and Jimmy save the Chief and the gorilla returns to the zoo.

This story was so awesome that it was not only reprinted in Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #116, it got the cover AGAIN!:

My Wife HATES Stretchy Guys!

My lovely wife, Amy (aka Spectergirl) HATES stretchy superheroes. She just does. She finds them "creepy" ad insists that when they stretch their limbs look "all penis-y". I, however, have no such aversion so here's a breakdown of who's who in the world of stretchiness.

1. Plastic Man.

The original and still best. Although Plastic Man survives 'til this day in comics, no-one has ever been able to duplicate the genius of his creator, Jack Cole. A reformed criminal, Plastic Man works as a special agent for the FBI, using his unique shape-changing talents to bring down organized crime- often his former associates. He even got his own postage stamp:


Or is this just Plas in disguise?

2. Elongated Man

Despite his naughty-sounding name, Elongated Man was a fairly innocent superhero feature from the pages of Flash. Ralph Dibny, became obsessed as a young man with the flexibility of "India Rubber Men" in carnival sideshows. He noticed over time that all of them drank a particular brand of soda-pop made with extract of "gingold". Dosing himself with a powerful concentrate of gingold, Ralph discovered he was able to stretch any part of his body (!). He then decided to fight crime as the "Ductile detective", Elongated Man.

3. Elastic Lad

After taking an "Elastic Serum", Jimmy Olsen had a short-lived career as
Elastic Lad. Since Jimmy has had too many bizarre powers and shapes to list, I don't know what else to say.

4. Mister Fantastic

Okay, this is the one stretchy guy my wife actually likes. But does she like him for his cool, stretchy power? Does she like him for his mind-numbing intellect? No. She likes him because he's a pompous ass. This explains SO much about why she married me.

Jimmy Olsen as "The Wolf-Man of Metropolis!" Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #44

I guess it was no real surprise how this happened. I mean, you leave an ancient, werewolf potion around where Jimmy can get to it and you know he's gonna drink it. Yeesh!

Best part is, Jimmy is turned into a wolf-man and the only cure is a kiss from a pretty girl. While he's a wolf-man. Good luck, Jimmy. That's a tall order for Jimmy, even if he wasn't a wolf-man. That bow tie alone has to repel chicks like mad.

Jimmy even tries offering a girl in the park money in exchange for a kiss. Yeah, I bet that's not the first time.

Luckily, Jimmy is Superman's Pal. The Man of Steel does Jimmy a solid and gets Supergirl to give him a little smooch. Of course, the kiss has to happen in the dark, since nobody knows there IS a Supergirl yet (I'll explain that one next week). It would have been far kinder to put a lead blindfold on Supergirl.


Of course, once you've kissed the Maid of Might, you're ruined for all others.

On a side note: How come any story on TV (I'm looking at YOU, Dark Shadows)or in comics where someone gets cursed to be a werewolf, the moon is full for like weeks on end? I mean, doesn't everybody know the full moon only lasts three days? Heck, technically it's only really full on day 2 of that.

Jimmy Olsen- What's Your Deal? a rant

"Superman's Pal" Jimmy Olsen you will- simply put- touch, handle, wear, taste, sniff, lick, eat, or drink ANYTHING.

I mean seriously, Jimmy, didn't your mom ever tell you not to put stuff in your mouth? Do you chew gum you find under tables in restaurants? It's like every issue you're becoming an alien or a monster or fat or giant, all because you can't keep your hands and mouth to yourself.

When Superman tells you not to touch something, DON'T TOUCH IT! It's like dealing with my 4-year-old!

No wonder you can't make time with Lois Lane's sister Lucy. Who knows where your hands, mouth, tongue have been?

I've lost count of the number of times you have undergone a crazy transformation and then, too embarrassed to go back to your job at the Daily Planet, joined a freak show. You're probably the only reporter with a circus union card.

Oh, Jimmy! Through your ceaseless, impulsive touching, how you've touched me!

Just how out of touch WERE comics writers in the Silver Age?? Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #79

Wow! Who knew that one man with no previous indications of musical ability could start a one-man Beatle craze in 1000 B.C. .. and with just a tom-tom and a ram's horn, no less.

I get the feeling that the writer of this tale looked at the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show (because his daughter wouldn't let him change the channel after Topo Gigio was done.) and saw nothing but four long-haired freaks who made way too much racket.

So, anyway, Jimmy is hanging out at his apartment, enjoying the Beatles and his own, personal Beatle wig, when a guy from the 30th century shows up and asks him for help. Since Jimmy knows the Legion of Superheroes as well as he knows his pal Superman, this doesn't seem weird. (Heck, over the years, Jimmy WAS a legion of superheroes: Elastic Lad, Colossal Boy, FLame Bird... but I digress.) Tunrs out, however, that this visitor from the future was a criminal who needed help flying his stolen timeship, and he's decided to hide out in 1,000 B.C. and ditch Jimmy there.

Never fear, though, Jimmy attracts more superheroes than Green Arrow has illegitimate children. In no time, Jimmy has hooked up with "Mighty Lad" who wears a turban to diguise his secret identity. He even has a secret hideout with a trophy room, etc.

It's while trying to make some eating money that Jimmy throws the time-space continuum to the wind and starts his Beatle craze.

I'm not giving away any more, you'll just have to track this one down for yourself. But suffice it to say that there's no such thing as a problem that Superman won't bail Jimmy out of.