"Superman's Pal" Jimmy Olsen you will- simply put- touch, handle, wear, taste, sniff, lick, eat, or drink ANYTHING.
I mean seriously, Jimmy, didn't your mom ever tell you not to put stuff in your mouth? Do you chew gum you find under tables in restaurants? It's like every issue you're becoming an alien or a monster or fat or giant, all because you can't keep your hands and mouth to yourself.
When Superman tells you not to touch something, DON'T TOUCH IT! It's like dealing with my 4-year-old!
No wonder you can't make time with Lois Lane's sister Lucy. Who knows where your hands, mouth, tongue have been?
I've lost count of the number of times you have undergone a crazy transformation and then, too embarrassed to go back to your job at the Daily Planet, joined a freak show. You're probably the only reporter with a circus union card.
Oh, Jimmy! Through your ceaseless, impulsive touching, how you've touched me!