Two Words for Jimmy Olsen: "DON'T TOUCH!"

It's time again for more adventure with that loveable doofus, Jimmy Olsen!


Only Jimmy could #@$% up a free vacation! Once Jimmy gets bored watching the crane load all that fascinating scrap iron into the ship (Is the Daily Planet so cheap it sent these guys on a cruise on a cargo ship?) he goes for a stroll along the beach. Which is something else only Jimmy could screw up-

Jimmy finds a mysterious ray gun inside which, of course, he needs to start shooting at living things:


Not satisfied with the ecological chaos sure to be caused by an enormous pseudopod, Jimmy experiments further-



Well, Jimmy, if it's so @#$%-ing obvious, why did you need to try it again?

Jimmy heads back to the ship, where he learns Clark has missed the boat (he was needed in space as Superman). Lois shows Jimmy the souvenirs she purchased, including a small turtle. Clearly, Lois plans to unleash some ecological havoc of her own, introducing alien species to Metropolis' fragile ecosystem. You know she's just going to flush that little turtle like 2 weeks after she gets back.

Anyway, Jimmy drops the raygun and it irradiates him and the turtle, with unlikely consequences. Jimmy is turned into a giant turtle man. Which apparently means you become covered with green, hexagonal scales (but no shell) your eyes look like they're made from ping-pong ball halves, you sprout pointy ears (even though turtles have no external ears.) and you also manifest a snazzy pair of large, black breifs.

Oh! and you go on a mindlessly destructive rampage.



Superman returns from space just in time to intervene and learns more about this mysterious growth ray from an old girlfriend:


Superman then uses his own mad science to fix the problem:

Wouldn't shrinking a giant turtle man just get you a smaller turtle man? I'm so confused.

Lois Lane, You're Kinda Dumb!

You know, Lois, this cover kind of says it all. I mean, barring any BS explanations about "Super-hypnotism" or some such rubbish, you really aren't very observant. Aren't you a reporter?

Seriously, Lois, how can you idolize Superman and ridicule Clark Kent for being average and wimpy? Even with the glasses and the suit and tie, no amount of mild manners could hide the fact that your closest co-worker is built like a brick $#!+house.

And you know all those coincidences? The ones where Clark vanishes just as Superman turns up? The ones where Superman is dying of Kryptonite poisoning and Clark calls off work because he's upset? They're NOT coincidences! I don't care what Bruce Wayne said. I don't care that you saw Superman out your window while Clark was having dinner at your place. Clark Kent IS Superman!

Wake up, Sister! And while you're at it, tell Lana Lang she's not the brightest bulb, either.

Why doesn't anyone write comics like THIS anymore?

My scanner is offline this morning, and I'm a little short on time, so here's a classic post from last year.




Wow. I could write an entire blog on DC's World's Finest Comics alone. This particular issue, however is one of the finest examples of what would become a recurring theme in the Batman/Superman team-up title: Messing with Lois Lane's mind. See, Lois Lane, being the ace reporter she is, actually stumbles across Clark Kent changing into his Superman costume. Always ready to help a buddy out, Batman (and Robin-poor kid never gets any credit)decide to help Supes cloud the issue by making Lois question her own sanity. Highlights include trying to make her think Bruce Wayne may be Superman (Bruce takes her on a date and punches some lions in the face)



and an especially elaborate plot wherein Lois spends the day with Clark while Superman is supposed to be moving all her furniture to her new house (note: if you think owning a pickup truck makes you everyone's bitch when it's time to move house, try being the last son of Krypton). When Lois and Clark stop by there's Superman (Bruce Wayne in Super-drag) carrying out the last of her furniture in a big stack over his head. You know, I don't care how strong you are, don't scratch my antique sideboard just to save a couple trips. Aren't you super fast anyway?? Where was I ? Oh- "Superman" loads all the furniture into a moving van. Lois calls him on it and asks why he's not flying her stuff across town (the nerve of this bitch!) "Supes" explains that he rented the truck to help out a friend with a truck rental business and that he's just about to fly the whole truck away. He then picks up the truck and flies off. We are then treated to the "reality" of the situation. The truck is made of cardboard and is filled with a weather balloon and piloted by Robin. All of Lois' furniture was cleverly removed last night while Lois slept and replaced by papier mache copies....

You know, it might have been easier to just admit you were Superman. Think of all the crime that Batman and Robin didn't stop in the time it took to pull all this off. These guys have some really weird priorities.

What I find most remarkable about all this is how ENTERTAINING comics from the late 50's thru the mid 60's are. I mean, today's comics writers are too self-conscious to even TRY to pass something like this off. Sure it's nonsense. Sure everyone works so hard to protect Superman's identity they forget what's important... but the sheer nervy creativity of this story surpasses any tale of a grim superhero dealing with a mid-life crisis.

Boy, Adoption Sure Was Easier When Clark Was Little!- Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane #20

Superman is such a super guy, it would have to be wonderful to be married to him, right? Well, maybe not:


"Is it a big diamond? Did you crush some coal and make me a giant diamond? - Maybe you made us a planet?..."

Honeymoon OVER!

Lois and Clark head to the orphanage where Clark has been cruelly interring Kara ever since she arrived on Earth. They apply for adoption immediately and everything looks good, but wait, apparently in the early 1960's, the ideas of motherhood and a career don't mix:

Okay, that kid is just about ready for college. You're telling me, Lois can't write about fashion shows and inane inventions and Museums of Superstition and what Superman did today while her daughter is at school?

Anyway, Lois sacrifices her career to make Superman happy. And all he does is run off with their daughter all the time and save the world, leaving Lois with the housework. Except Superman vacuums the rugs by inhaling with his super-breath (YUCK!!) and Supergirl, volunteers to do the dishes- with disastrous results:



That snoopy broad in the window who looks suspiciously like Margaret Hamilton as Elmira Gulch in The Wizard of OZ is Mrs. Clayton, the investigator from the orphanage. Mrs. Clayton gets the wrong idea immediately, assuming Lois is lounging around all day while Linda does all the housework. Actually, I guess it is kinda the right idea, but being super, it takes Linda and Clark seconds to clean up, leaving Lois home all day with no-one to talk to but Superman's boring-ass robots:



While Lois is bored to tears, Superman and Supergirl get to go do fun things like this:

This would NEVER work! See my previous rant.

Meanwhile, Lois continues to try to play the role of homemaker. Having wrenched her back, she orders the Linda Lee robot to make the beds. Lois notices that the robot is not performing efficiently and soon spots a loose bolt, which she tries to bang into place with a hairbrush. Women! I don't know how many times I've caught my wife using any convenient, heavy object (no matter how precious) as a hammer, or using a butter knife instead of one of our 15 screwdrivers! The right tool for the right job, ladies. Wait, where was I?:



So, Lois gets caught beating her daughter by that busybody, Mrs. Clayton. Linda is taken away without the benefit of police involvement or a hearing or anything.

But, at least Lois is still married to Superman. I mean, a guy like that, he's got to be super-understanding, right?


Wrong! As per usual, Superman shows his true colors as a selfish jerk.

A Puzzling Piece of Merchandise...

This Masonite tray puzzle was given to me and Amy by my mother, who found it at a flea market. It used to hang in our kitchen, which was, at the time, superhero-themed. I suspect it was released to cash in on the popularity of the Dino DeLaurentis remake of King Kong, but that is absolutely Titano that Lois is struggling with.

My 4-year-old son is currently the custodian of this fabulous piece of Supermanana. I'd better get it back to his puzzle bin before he knows it's missing ;)

"The Witch of Metropolis" Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #1

I didn't realize that was spelled with a "W". Oh! Ha-ha! Witch!!



Lois Lane gets her own title (although it's pretty clear that she only got it by dating Superman) in this spectacular, debut issue.

Being the hard-hitting, investigative journalist that she is, Lois is sent to cover the opening of the new Museum of Superstition. Which, by the way, has like three exhibits; a taxidermied cat, a ladder, and two portraits. The portraits are of a young woman named Molly Todd in puritan garb and a scary hag named Mad Molly in the same clothes. Legend has it that Molly turned into a witch every night and cast evil spells.

Lois scoffs at the exhibits and begins to powder her nose before leaving. Upon accidentally dropping her compact and breaking its mirror, she jokes "...I suppose I'm doomed to 7 years bad luck! HA,HA!". The curator warns Lois that she shouldn't scoff and gives her a booklet of ancient legends.

Lois then hurries on to her next assignment, interviewing a scientist who is working on a "youth serum". Lois sniffs at the "odd fumes" which are coming out of the test tubes which hold all the scientist's trial batches -like she's Jimmy Olsen or something- and then goes home to write her articles.

As Lois begins to type, a change comes over her. She has transformed into a twisted, old crone! Grabbing up the booklet of ancient legends, she discovers that "...any maiden breaking a mirror before the witch's picture would also turn into a witch nightly for seven years!". Isn't "witch" more of an occupation?



Lois then does what any woman who suddenly found herself transformed into a horrible, old hag would do... she goes for a walk. And since the last person she'd want to see is Superman, he arrives right on cue.

Superman tells the "old lady" to be careful as two felons have just escaped from prison and he's searching for them in this neighborhood.

Two seconds later, Lois runs into said felons. The crooks get rough and start shooting. In desperation, Lois tries casting a spell on the bad guys and Lo! it works! Their bullets turn aside.

When Lois wakes up the next morning, she's back to normal. Of course, when the sun goes down that evening, poof!, witch time!

Lois starts abusing her newfound powers right away, scooping other reporters and feeling tempted to use her spells to learn Superman's secret ID.

Turns out, Lois wasn't cursed at all. She inhaled some of the fumes from a bad batch of youth serum that made her age (at sunset??). All this spell mumbo-jumbo has just been Superman following Lois (whom he recognized all along) and using his powers to simulate her "magic". Superman is spared from looking like a dick in all this, due to the Scientist's advice that the shock of learning about the age formula (which wore off on it's own) could harm Lois. Yeah, 'cause thinking you'll turn into a hideous crone every night for the next seven years isn't stressful at all.

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN Everyone!

Love. Metropolis Style.

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary, so I'm treating you all to a gallery of the MANY weddings of Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane. Enjoy

Kryptonite Wedding, "Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane #42

I only wish my scanner was working, so that I could show you the awesome splash panel for this story.

Okay, so get this: Lois sets up a hidden camera and gets some pictures of Superman switching identities. She then locks the camera in a weird little lead box around her waist like a fanny pack, so Superman can't fog the film with his X-ray vision. Then, she drives off to develop the pics, only to get into a car accident (where was Superman, then? See what happens when you mess with Superman?).

Turns out, Lois sustained a head injury that alters her personality and lets her feel comfortable blackmailing Superman. She tells him if he doesn't marry her tomorrow, she'll develop the film and expose (no pun intended) his secret identity. Superman has no choice (because his secret ID is just THAT important), so he agrees.

Superman takes Lois the next morning to the Fortress of Solitude (see Saturday, August 22, 2009) so she can see if she'd like to live there after they are married. Lois spends some time measuring the place for drapes, then her natural nosiness takes over. Finding an atomizer marked "rejuvenation spray" Lois decides she should spray herself with it. After all, Lois rationalizes "I'm not going to get wrinkled while HE stays young".

Problem is, the rejuvenation spray was a gift to Supes from an alien and it's never been tested on an Earthling (or a Kryptonian). Lois begins growing progressively younger, which leads to a wacky series of failed attempts to get a marriage license. Lois sprays Superman with the spray, too, hoping someone will agree to marry two teenagers, but then she becomes a child... it just gets sillier and creepier as it goes.

I won't spoil the ending, but needless to say, the Man of Steel remains a bachelor.